Wednesday, October 29, 2014


I feel a little discouraged but mostly fed up about NY state keeping my birth information from me all these years. Like I am a big dirty secret. I resent them. Sometimes I feel like I get treated like a little stupid child by people even younger than me. After all they have their identities and I don't. They somehow let you know it too. NY devils could save a lot of time trouble grief and money if they would just give up on the sealed records crap. Their greedy asses could charge even more on taxes with the money they would save us. They must know that some of us want truth and we going to find it.

Truth is it will probably be too late. I'm old. My a parents are both dead as are my aunt and uncle. I never had any other family from my adoptive parents. We didn't "mingle". I have my children and we are close. They are curious too about our heritage too. I'm going to leave something in my will so that they can do a little searching if I don't find anything in this time I have left on this earth. This earth that never really felt like home to me. Supposedly my birth mother is dead and my siblings are older than me. They will probably be all dead too by the time I find them. They don't seem to looking for me. Maybe they know exactly who I am and they too feel they want no part of the dirty little orphan. Maybe they were told I was dead. Maybe something so horrific took place they don't want any reminders. Maybe they are all already dead. I don't know and maybe I won't know. It will be revealed though.

Time is being wasted and it's my life they are keeping from me. It shouldn't be any of their damn business. Yes we know the big money you crooked lawyers and politicians made. Yes we know your lily white daughter got knocked up and it would hurt your campaigns to have the bastardette revealed. But it's over now and you already lost your election or you're dead so let loose the damn info. You're secrecy doesn't change the truth. It still happened and I'm here while you are just letting time go by for sheer spite at this point.

I've decided my mother may have been a killer. Or maybe just a nuthead. She may have been a traveler which makes more sense to me. I would love to know. I wonder what she looked like and how she felt about the state of things. I hope someday these evil acts will be frowned upon. That there will be no more sealed records and only adoptions that are truly needed take place.

I used to think that my father took out the whole family and my crazy ass survived. I can't find a newspaper article but then again, I don't know where to look for it. My eyes are getting older too.

I wouldn't really know what to do with a family reunion of sibling as I have been trained not to mingle :-) But I'd love to email or something. Photos. I wouldn't expect to fit in as I'm not sure what that really is. But then again, I've never known family.

I'm cool with whatever the truth is. It is my history and my heritage. I need to know and I resent these freaks that are doing their best to keep me from the truth. Anyone with a conscience would have at least slipped a post it to me with a name or something like that. Nothing I find out is going to upset me. Anything is possible except the truth it seems. The only thing that may piss me off is if I find the last remaining sibling a day after their funeral. Then I'll be more irate than I am now. As time passes it feels as though I'm going to be irate.

Still,Birds of no like feathers in sight.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Where the name of this blog came from :-)

How dare I.

Live through it all.

How dare I be after my time.

I should have left the day I fell asleep

Though I've yet to waken from this curse

There is something so empty about a child out of reach

Something .......

Nothing I feel

Nothing I taste

Nothing here in my death that I live

It's hard to explain to the living the nothing I feel

The desire to convince just isn't there

There is nothing I want nor a thing that I need

I am blind and deaf

I've seen and heard too much

More than what perhaps one is meant to

I wasn't equipped for such evils

I learned just the same

Words really mean nothing

How when there is no expectation

could the disappointment be so grand

I've let me down ...again

I can't depend on me for a thing

I'm just not there

At least not for myself in these times

I need to get up to get out

Feel some sunlight and sweat

I am paralyzed by something

A big nothing world

what actually happened?

was there a time when something was there?

When somebody cared?

I know there was

Yet somehow lost the details

The clarity..myself

On what day did it happen

Where was I...asleep

So hard to awake when you're not there

draws me in nothing

Won't let me go..myself perhaps

Strength only last for a day

Then back to all that doesn't matter

Slumber again..still..until death

Hate deficient in my world

Reason I could never relate

Birds of no alike feathers

In the skies I occupied

Is that why I retreated to the nest?

Is that why I stayed?

perhaps I never really left

Nor did I need to I yet

I can't change them or make them see

I can't save them ..not even me

It used to be they wouldn't listen

Now I'm unable to speak

I'll be awake real soon

Ready and willing

Stronger than life

I'll dare to be

despite them all

Failure to rediscover dreams

To recall if ever they were

Creation of new dreams

Dare to be Free of the Slumber

Strength of Me

I died that day

Whenever that was

I'll reinvent myself once again

I've got a few more times left

Before the final Slumber

My personal thoughts used to be a run on sentence. Now,they are nothing but (thought) fragments.