Wednesday, October 29, 2014


I feel a little discouraged but mostly fed up about NY state keeping my birth information from me all these years. Like I am a big dirty secret. I resent them. Sometimes I feel like I get treated like a little stupid child by people even younger than me. After all they have their identities and I don't. They somehow let you know it too. NY devils could save a lot of time trouble grief and money if they would just give up on the sealed records crap. Their greedy asses could charge even more on taxes with the money they would save us. They must know that some of us want truth and we going to find it.

Truth is it will probably be too late. I'm old. My a parents are both dead as are my aunt and uncle. I never had any other family from my adoptive parents. We didn't "mingle". I have my children and we are close. They are curious too about our heritage too. I'm going to leave something in my will so that they can do a little searching if I don't find anything in this time I have left on this earth. This earth that never really felt like home to me. Supposedly my birth mother is dead and my siblings are older than me. They will probably be all dead too by the time I find them. They don't seem to looking for me. Maybe they know exactly who I am and they too feel they want no part of the dirty little orphan. Maybe they were told I was dead. Maybe something so horrific took place they don't want any reminders. Maybe they are all already dead. I don't know and maybe I won't know. It will be revealed though.

Time is being wasted and it's my life they are keeping from me. It shouldn't be any of their damn business. Yes we know the big money you crooked lawyers and politicians made. Yes we know your lily white daughter got knocked up and it would hurt your campaigns to have the bastardette revealed. But it's over now and you already lost your election or you're dead so let loose the damn info. You're secrecy doesn't change the truth. It still happened and I'm here while you are just letting time go by for sheer spite at this point.

I've decided my mother may have been a killer. Or maybe just a nuthead. She may have been a traveler which makes more sense to me. I would love to know. I wonder what she looked like and how she felt about the state of things. I hope someday these evil acts will be frowned upon. That there will be no more sealed records and only adoptions that are truly needed take place.

I used to think that my father took out the whole family and my crazy ass survived. I can't find a newspaper article but then again, I don't know where to look for it. My eyes are getting older too.

I wouldn't really know what to do with a family reunion of sibling as I have been trained not to mingle :-) But I'd love to email or something. Photos. I wouldn't expect to fit in as I'm not sure what that really is. But then again, I've never known family.

I'm cool with whatever the truth is. It is my history and my heritage. I need to know and I resent these freaks that are doing their best to keep me from the truth. Anyone with a conscience would have at least slipped a post it to me with a name or something like that. Nothing I find out is going to upset me. Anything is possible except the truth it seems. The only thing that may piss me off is if I find the last remaining sibling a day after their funeral. Then I'll be more irate than I am now. As time passes it feels as though I'm going to be irate.

Still,Birds of no like feathers in sight.